The Threshold of Trust

 The Threshold of Trust

If anyone has ever broken your trust, you know how difficult it is to hit the reset button on the relationship.  You develop this gnawing sense that if you forgive and restore the relationship, the person could hurt you again and you’d have no one but yourself to blame.  Most people would assume that the biggest issue in a relationship like this is the inability to let go of the past. I argue that this mindset also makes it impossible to let go of the future.

If you restore relationship with someone who has broken your trust you are faced with two dilemmas:

(a)    If you let go of the past, the person will see it as permission to hurt you again

(b)   If you let go of the person, you may miss out on a more promising future together 

We see this cycle played over and over gain on shows like Maury Povich, where a couple is returning for the 2^nd or 3^rd lie detector test. The shafted party dramatically expresses their suspicions, the lie detector test reveals the violating party has lied AGAIN, the wounded party runs off stage in tremendous pain and then in the update we find that the couple has decided to give it one more try to make things work.

We tend to think things like,”What is wrong with this person?” “I would have been gone a long time ago?” “There is no way I would put up that?” or “This is stupidity in its lowest form. “

This may all seem made for TV, but in reality many of us can identify with this more than we would like to admit. Honestly, it has more to do with the threshold of trust than it does with intellectual aptitude.  Even Albert Einstein had his heart-broken and he knew the mysteries of the universe, we are no less exempt.

If you find yourself caught in a vicious cycle of hurt, where every decision is convoluted by thoughts of either repeating the past or disqualifying yourself the future; it is time to redefine your Threshold of Trust.  Refocusing the lens through which you view trust will get you present in the moment and positioned to make your best decisions.

The Cylce of Broken Trust

This may be hard to believe, but operating in relationships with a misunderstanding of trust is a lot like a security blanket.  Somewhere along the way we are taught that we are exempt from the pain of betrayal or infidelity and this is comforting until the inevitable happens, someone betrays us or does something counter to what we believe they were capable of. Our response is typically one of the following:

(a)    We immediately cut the person off because the trust has been broken.  Without trust there is nothing, so any measure of reconciliation will be seen as weakness and We Can’t Have That. We make sure that we start option (b) early on in the next relationship to avoid getting hurt again.  

(b)    We believe that we can beat the statistical odds of being hurt by micromanaging their actions and time while incessantly searching for clues to avoid being blindsided by a violation again.  If we become too overbearing or “insecure”, we resort to option  (c) until the coast is clear and then get back to (b) as needed.

(c)     We believe if we become more docile and let it go, the other person will appreciate our leniency and think better than to hurt us again. If we don’t see progress we immediately convert to either (a) or (b).

Here is the hard truth: You were designed to be Hurt.  Pain is the only check and balance on the ego there is, so the bigger the ego, the more painful things will tend to be. People are hard-wired with what I refer to as the “Disappointment Gene”. Meaning, that even with our best efforts to be honest, faithful, trustworthy, transparent and loyal, we will eventually fall short and violate the trust of another person.  This doesn’t mean we idly sit by while people hurt or deceive us, but we have to be selective about the amount of energy we will expend trying to avoid the inevitability of diminished trust. Placing this much trust in a person to begin with means that you are not engaging as equal partners. You have placed them on a pedestal and like any false idol, they are destined to fall.  Hard.

The Take Away

Trust is important, but we cannot place our sole focus on the trust we place in others. Once you have made the investment to love another person being violated is a risk you’ve agreed to take. You must assume that some measure of disappointment will be a natural by-product of the connection. There may come a time when you have to let go or move on, but this transition should be done with a sound mind and resolute heart. The ability to do this means you know and understand your own trust threshold.

More than anything, our ultimate trust must not rely solely upon the actions of others.  It must rest soundly in the resilience the Creator has given each of us to resurrect from even the deepest betrayal.

Remember: The greatest betrayal to ever transpire started with a kiss.

The Perspective of Gratitude

Thanksgiving Day is fast approaching and as we enter into this season of gratitude, I have been doing an inventory of all the things and people I am truly grateful to have as a part of my life.

 As I began to delve more deeply into this gratitude exercise, I realized how easy it is to default to the things that are going well in our lives as a source of gratitude and to view the things not going so well as a source of ire. The more I think about it, the more I realize that true gratitude is not about being thankful for only those things that bring us comfort or harmony, but also developing a sense of gratitude for the areas in which we are tested, stressed and maltreated. This is important because it is those areas that truly shape the mettle of who we are as we strive to become more well-adjusted beings.  

If it is difficult to find anything to be thankful for at this time, consider the following:

·      Gratitude is not an emotion, as much as it is a strategical perspective that can be used to create a more harmonious mindset.  This harmonious mindset creates an environment in which all things both good and bad can work together for your best positioning. In all things, seek better positioning.

·      True gratitude should move us to look at every incident (good or bad) as a teachable moment in which life lessons reveal to us our truest nature.   You can do more and have more, once you operate in the truth.

·     The root of thankfulness is hope. By looking at every unfortunate situation as penance or persecution, we disqualify ourselves from benefitting from the element of hope within the situation.  Trials should refine you and make you better, not destroy you.  The absence of hope is defeat.

·      There are going to be trying times in which we are disappointed, confused, overleveraged and underappreciated. It is in those areas/valleys that we must be most thankful because we have an opportunity to develop sustainable integrity. Hard times better prepare us to appreciate the overwhelming successes that await us in our lives at the mountain top once we are thankful for the shadows in the valley.

·      Send a shockwave through the universe by expressing gratitude for things you'd rather not endure, as well.  The more we apply this discipline towards the deficits in our lives, the more apparent it becomes that these challenges are just as crucial to our success as matters that are going the way we desire.  

Think of areas in your life that could be sources of complaint or dissatisfaction and unleash the magic that happens when you begin the process of expressing gratitude for them, too. 

When Your Gifts are Buried Alive (Potential Is Not Enough)

A few months ago, I ran into the woman who gave me my first job. I had not seen her for many years and our chance meeting revealed not only how much I had grown as a person and a professional, but also uncovered something else I had not expected. In my quest to “let go” of some of the things that were holding me back, I had also let go of something the things that were instrumental in propelling me forward. I had somehow buried one of my greatest gifts: Creativity.  

 When I met this woman, those many years ago, I was a young mother on the precipice of nothingness and in serious need of a mentor as well as a job. I had taken a few wrong turns and instead of sitting idly by; she provided me with some much needed direction. The brief time she spent with me, helping to raise my consciousness and awareness about the authority I had over my life, in many ways hit the reset button on my life’s GPS system and changed its entire trajectory.

 A Cup Filled with Potential Is Still an Empty Cup

Anyone who has ever mentored someone knows how it can nearly break your heart when the mentee squanders their potential or doesn’t realize all that they are capable of becoming. You see them make a series of bad choices despite your best lectures and efforts and you eventually realize that while you can accompany them on their journey, you cannot control if they will reach their own “promised-land”. The decision for them to cross over from potential capability into the kinetic manifestation of their giftedness; is truly theirs alone.  We can also experience this with our children.

My mentor understood this balance. Shortly after she hired me for the job, she explained to me why she made the initial investment. Her explanation went like this:  

“You are a cup and even a cup filled to the brim with potential will never be more than an empty cup if something kinetic doesn’t happen to start to fill that cup up.  I have given you this opportunity as an effort to pour into that cup; it is solely up to you whether or not that cup will run over. The fact that you have potential is simply not enough.”

Needles to say, I got the message.

Burying Your Gifts

In an effort to reclaim my life and help that cup to “run over”, I became radical about changing myself and the influences I was around. I discarded generational behaviors and mindsets that were not working for me and replaced them with a strong work ethic and commitment to continual personal development.   However, without realizing it, I also began to bury my gifts.

During our brief encounter, my former boss asked me what I was doing on the professional front.  I started explaining the ins and outs of my corporate job.  Her only response was that she was surprised I wasn’t doing something “Creative”.  

“ Creativity is who you are. How do function without doing what you ARE?”

Her question, part literal, part rhetorical, perplexed me.  I began thinking to myself,

“Creative? What would lead her to believe I was doing something creative?  I am not a creative person…..”.

 It is smack-dab-in the middle of this thought that I realize she has awakened something in me. Something dormant and asleep, that I forgotten about, something I had suppressed.   I began to feel that sensation you feel when you see a familiar face and you are certain you don’t know the person until you realize that not only do you know that person very well, but that person knows your deepest secrets.  You are mystified about how you could have even forgotten them. In that moment, I was mystified about why I had lost the connection to my creativity and I realized I needed to return this element to my life, sooner rather than later.  

Unearthing Your Gifts

In an effort to bring my life back from the “precipice of nothingness” (a glorious effort that has been both arduous and painful), I had forgotten that I was a creative person, something at the very core essence of who I am.  

Since I was very young, I found refuge in creating things. Whether it was writing, painting, photography, crafting, sewing, decorating or graphic design, the creative process saved my psyche and also made me very good at the job she had hired me to do.  However, the more serious and analytical I became about being accountable for my life, the less I engaged in those things that set me free. I had abandoned those things that made me feel safe and alive.

For many years, I have felt like something was missing and it is truly inspiring to get reacquainted with my creative spirit. It is important for us to be diligent about doing what we ARE.

The Take Away

We cannot become so radical in our efforts to improve ourselves that we lose sight of what makes us unique.  We are all works in progress, but we can never lose sight of the progress that comes from the work of operating in our gifts.   Gifts that are buried alive will eventually die.

I am reawakening the gift of creativity within me and my cup has begun to run over.

Remember this: Where your gifts are, your purpose is also.

Do you have any “buried gifts”? Unearth them today.

Focus on the Light (It’s Painful, but Don’t Look Away)

Poisons and Cures

This week I was diagnosed with a corneal ulcer due to sleeping in my contacts. Not my smartest moment, but be mindful that these were extended wear contacts. If I am completely honest, I wore them beyond the recommended time, which in effect made them more harmful than helpful to me.  

 When the doctor asked me why I wasn’t removing my contacts at night, I responded,

“I liked the feeling of waking up and being able to see”.

The optician begins to explain the obvious to me. Contact lenses are more of a prosthesis designed to aid my vision and should not be confused as my vision itself.  How often do we use things beyond the point of their purpose? It is then that they become a poison and not a cure.

As the optician describes the process I will have to undergo to heal my eye, it becomes obvious that the treatment will hurt worse than the ailment. The treatment for my eye requires 3 things: DON’T INTERFERE, BE STILL and FOCUS ON THE LIGHT.  I have decided to take a further look at this process as it has the potential to heal more than my eye. There was a nugget of life application in there that could help my Vision as well.

DON’T INTERFERE

 The doctor explains that he is to going pour numbing drops into my eyes to make the rest of the procedure more bearable.  He advises that the drops will burn profusely for the first 30 seconds and then my eyes will feel numb.  I cannot under any circumstance rub my eyes. Doing so could result in permanent scarring. I can flail my arms and move around (which I do), but I have to allow it to burn. I resist the urge to rub the solution from eyes and as he promised, after the first 30 seconds of unbearable pain, my eyes become numb and I start to think for the first time, I may actually get through this.  Beginning the process to clearer vision is going to hurt at first. Our natural inclination is to get our hands in the way, try to soothe or help the process. This will only makes things worse and can result in permanent damage. Sometimes you just have to let it burn.

SIDEBAR: True to form, I asked the doctor if I could take the numbing cream home. I immediately thought of how wonderful it would be to continue to stay numb. He told me that while another dose of the numbing drops would not burn as the first dose had, repeated doses eventually cause the harmful bacteria in the eye to multiply and could result in permanent sight loss. In short, the drops were a temporary crutch not a cure.  Old habits die hard.

BE STILL (Very Still)

Debriding is defined as “the medical removal of a patient's dead, damaged, or infected tissue to improve the healing potential of the remaining healthy tissue.” My eye had to be debrided.  The doctor is going to scrape the surface of my eye to break-up the ulcer. This step in the process requires me to take "Don’t Interfere” a step further and “Be Still”. Anybody who knows me, knows this was a nearly an impossible feat.  I am a “can’t stop/won’t stop" kind of girl.  However, I did what needed to be done as one false move could result in permanent damage to my vision.

Although the sensation of something scraping away at what is most delicate to us is unpleasant; it is very necessary to allow healthy behaviors and belief systems to not be overcome by the negative ones that have stagnated our growth.    We must be completely still, albeit aware, and allow the good work to be done.

FOCUS ON THE LIGHT (Even if it hurts)

On the last and final phase of the treatment, the doctor tells me,

 “Focusing on the light will be painful, but do not look away”.

 He informs me he is looking for my pupils to do two things when the light is shone:  Remain Equal and Reactive to Light.

At this point in time, my eyes were sensitive to even the lowest wattage light bulb. The light he shone into my eyes was so bright it caused my heart rate to speed up and nearly took my breath away.  The only sensation I can liken it to, is having your head repeatedly dunked under water. In many ways, this was a baptism by light and all I could do was take a deep breath.  

Don’t be fooled.  Illumination hurts. Anything dragged out of the comfort of darkness into the light will resist because of the pain. We cannot look away.  

The Take Away

I realize that contact lenses were not the only crutch in my life that I treated as a cure and used well beyond its purpose.  There are several areas that require me to “Not Interfere”, “Be Still” and “Focus on the Light”. My Vision has been properly worked on and I am stretching towards the next level with a renewed understanding of the purpose of the pain.

What is the Purpose of your Pain?

Singleness is Wholeness

Singleness is Wholeness
by Diamonte Hamlett

When E. Payne of makesmewannaholler first announced his guest blogging series, “What a Single Woman Wants”, I was at first filled with a sense of intrigue and then a sense of impending dread. I was intrigued, because after 6 years of a relationship that had run its course, I was again a single woman and a sense of dread because although I was single, I had no idea what I wanted.

It would be virtually impossible to write about what single women want when I had no clue. As I began to ponder my inability to articulate what I wanted, I realized that at this very moment in my life, I want nothing more than to be single, because single in many ways is the equivalent of wholeness. For me, singleness is not a burden, but rather an opportunity to purge my life of the things that detract from my purpose in order to allow my truer purpose to materialize.

Chivalry Isn't Dead

The topic of singleness made me think of a seemingly insignificant moment that happened to me a few years ago. I was at a fast food restaurant and a man let me move ahead of him in line.

Surprised by his gesture, I smiled and responded, “I guess chivalry is not dead.”

The guy at the register overheard my statement and responded with this succinct, but poignant statement:

“Chivalry is alive and well; it’s just in all the men that women do not want”.

I was speechless. His statement was both a prophetic and descriptive analysis of my life at that point time and even up until very recently. I had to admit to myself, several men had crossed my path and embodied many of attributes we as women say we want. These men were honest, thoughtful, romantic, unselfish, successful, committed, understanding, communicative, well adjusted and spiritual. While I wanted those qualities, I did not particularly want it from those men.

In response to their noble affections, I often ran scared, because what he was offering either didn’t come in the package I wanted, or I was so broken as a person that I had no idea how to receive that level of relationship or sustain it with someone who actually wanted the same thing I wanted. I found myself finding refuge in men that exacerbated the familiar ache of getting less than what I wanted and according to those who cared for me, less than what I deserved. The things I said I “wanted” were secondary to the prototype I wanted it from. Those qualities seemed so much more valuable coming from someone who did not innately possess them. Oh, the thrill of the chase.

Preparing For the Opportunity

So now, when someone asks me what I want, I am wise enough to admit that I do not know what I want. It has become clear that this journey is less about what I want and more about how I plan to be a person of sound enough character to handle it once it manifests. The answer to this question lies in my newfound belief about the purpose of singleness.

The Bible says, “What God hath put together, let no man put asunder.” For many years, I believed this verse was solely about married couples. It is indeed an edict that charges married couples to guard their union against outside influences who would seek to destroy it at all costs. In my state of newly minted singleness, I have begun to see this verse differently. It became clear to me that I am single woman, put together by the Creator, God. It is my duty to not let any man put that asunder.

When we become involved with people based on the litmus test of what “want”, we place ourselves at the peril of compromising what God has put together. In our singleness, we are in many ways joined to ourselves. This is sacred, because when the right person comes along it is this same “self” we will have to offer up.

Wholeness In Singleness

More than anything, our greatest desire as single women, must be wholeness. Singleness is our opportunity to understand that it is not any litany of noble attributes on a list that will bring purpose –driven love into our lives, but rather the quiet surrender found in the wisdom of not knowing what we want. If we allow it, singleness can lead us to a love that exceeds our greatest expectations and colors outside of the lines of our best drafted list.

For me, singleness is a healing process in which words cannot articulate what I really want. I plan to discover what I want, as I experience it for the very first time.

- Diamonte

Are you a Single-Handed Mom?

FACT: You don’t have to be a single mom, to be a single-handed mother.

Here’s the truth, most single-handed mothers are married or have live in partners, but find themselves doing the bulk of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting; much like their single-mother counterparts.

This is not to say that the other person contributes  nothing, but in totality, it is the single-handed mom that cooks, cleans, cajoles, counsels and creates the life for the children and family around her.

It does not matter if you are a single mom, married mom or dating mom. If at times you feel exhilarated by parenting and at other times over-extended and looking for the nearest exit; you fit the definition of a single-handed mom. The purpose of this blog is to lend a helping hand, from one single-handed mom to another.  

This blog will provide unconventional parenting tips and tirades on effective parenting for the overwhelmed mom.  

Remember, you are a mother, not a juggler.

When Good Moms Do Bad Things

When Good Moms Do Bad Things

I have a confession to make. After all, confession is good for the soul, so a healthy dose of exegesis will not hurt me, I hope.  Here it is: I can be a really irritable mother  and have on several occaisions gone on tirades so horrific, I am certain if my children could have placed me in timeout, they would have.   Most people who know me will attest that I am a “good mom”.  In most cases, I think this label is to assure me that the fact I have not put my adorably precocious, if not at times tyrannical three year old, up for adoption surely qualifies me for some mother of the year award.  These moments, I think are an important part of the process, as they are opportunities to help us correct ourselves and get onto a path of parenting where we can be most fruitful.

Let me start off by saying, I do not really like the term “good mom/bad mom” because I truly believe parenting is about being effective more  than it is about a "good" or "bad" label. One of the challenges of single-handed parenting is trying to know exactly the right thing to do at given moment. While we would never want to do anything to emotionally hurt or damage our children, the reality is when you are doing things single-handedly you do not have the liberties that other persons who have someone to co-parent or  do some of the developmental heavy lifting with them.

This became most apparent to me when my oldest daughter began to perceive my straightforward albeit somewhat militant approach to correction as despotic and hurtful.  She was so overwhelmed with hurt that I had to evaluate my parenting style and concluded that while I am not a “bad mother”, there were certainly some things I could do to be more effective for my children.   I want to share the list I've developed with you.

·         Develop a more peaceful internal dialogue:

o   Spending too much time in your own head fretting over even legitimate problems and concerns will make it difficult to respond patiently and kindly when your children test your patience.  

o   A cleaner internal dialogue will allow a more temperate external response and helps to minimize the guilt you feel as a result. This also ensures that you don’t become an “autobot mom” that can only function on a short-fuse frequency.  

·         Compromise but don’t negotiate:

o   When your child wants something, do not respond on a hair trigger. This almost always leads you to say no when a little more begging and whining can pull you into a yes.  If you immediately say no and then they barter their way to a maybe or a yes, you lose valuable ground that will cause tension later.

o    Instead, internally ask, if they whine would I give it to them and if so, how would I modify their request? This way you set up an important boundary and automatically give them all they will get with a lot less hassle.  

·         Empower your child’s voice...let them ask Why (If only once)

o   I was raised old school. I had to do what I was told and not ask why. It is a disservice to both you and your child to not allow them to ask why. We live in a world where inquisition and curiosity will play an integral role into how competitive they become.

o   When you allow them to ask why and explain in clear concrete measures, you may have to relinquish a little bit of the “I said so” control, but you will begin to see your child think more critically in other areas. It is up to us to teach them “How things work”. “Because I said so” not only stifles that inclination, but can result in one-sided thinking down the road.

My new strategy to become a more effective parent is: Develop, Ccompromise and Empower.

What is yours?