The Threshold of Trust

 The Threshold of Trust

If anyone has ever broken your trust, you know how difficult it is to hit the reset button on the relationship.  You develop this gnawing sense that if you forgive and restore the relationship, the person could hurt you again and you’d have no one but yourself to blame.  Most people would assume that the biggest issue in a relationship like this is the inability to let go of the past. I argue that this mindset also makes it impossible to let go of the future.

If you restore relationship with someone who has broken your trust you are faced with two dilemmas:

(a)    If you let go of the past, the person will see it as permission to hurt you again

(b)   If you let go of the person, you may miss out on a more promising future together 

We see this cycle played over and over gain on shows like Maury Povich, where a couple is returning for the 2^nd or 3^rd lie detector test. The shafted party dramatically expresses their suspicions, the lie detector test reveals the violating party has lied AGAIN, the wounded party runs off stage in tremendous pain and then in the update we find that the couple has decided to give it one more try to make things work.

We tend to think things like,”What is wrong with this person?” “I would have been gone a long time ago?” “There is no way I would put up that?” or “This is stupidity in its lowest form. “

This may all seem made for TV, but in reality many of us can identify with this more than we would like to admit. Honestly, it has more to do with the threshold of trust than it does with intellectual aptitude.  Even Albert Einstein had his heart-broken and he knew the mysteries of the universe, we are no less exempt.

If you find yourself caught in a vicious cycle of hurt, where every decision is convoluted by thoughts of either repeating the past or disqualifying yourself the future; it is time to redefine your Threshold of Trust.  Refocusing the lens through which you view trust will get you present in the moment and positioned to make your best decisions.

The Cylce of Broken Trust

This may be hard to believe, but operating in relationships with a misunderstanding of trust is a lot like a security blanket.  Somewhere along the way we are taught that we are exempt from the pain of betrayal or infidelity and this is comforting until the inevitable happens, someone betrays us or does something counter to what we believe they were capable of. Our response is typically one of the following:

(a)    We immediately cut the person off because the trust has been broken.  Without trust there is nothing, so any measure of reconciliation will be seen as weakness and We Can’t Have That. We make sure that we start option (b) early on in the next relationship to avoid getting hurt again.  

(b)    We believe that we can beat the statistical odds of being hurt by micromanaging their actions and time while incessantly searching for clues to avoid being blindsided by a violation again.  If we become too overbearing or “insecure”, we resort to option  (c) until the coast is clear and then get back to (b) as needed.

(c)     We believe if we become more docile and let it go, the other person will appreciate our leniency and think better than to hurt us again. If we don’t see progress we immediately convert to either (a) or (b).

Here is the hard truth: You were designed to be Hurt.  Pain is the only check and balance on the ego there is, so the bigger the ego, the more painful things will tend to be. People are hard-wired with what I refer to as the “Disappointment Gene”. Meaning, that even with our best efforts to be honest, faithful, trustworthy, transparent and loyal, we will eventually fall short and violate the trust of another person.  This doesn’t mean we idly sit by while people hurt or deceive us, but we have to be selective about the amount of energy we will expend trying to avoid the inevitability of diminished trust. Placing this much trust in a person to begin with means that you are not engaging as equal partners. You have placed them on a pedestal and like any false idol, they are destined to fall.  Hard.

The Take Away

Trust is important, but we cannot place our sole focus on the trust we place in others. Once you have made the investment to love another person being violated is a risk you’ve agreed to take. You must assume that some measure of disappointment will be a natural by-product of the connection. There may come a time when you have to let go or move on, but this transition should be done with a sound mind and resolute heart. The ability to do this means you know and understand your own trust threshold.

More than anything, our ultimate trust must not rely solely upon the actions of others.  It must rest soundly in the resilience the Creator has given each of us to resurrect from even the deepest betrayal.

Remember: The greatest betrayal to ever transpire started with a kiss.