When Good Moms Do Bad Things

When Good Moms Do Bad Things

I have a confession to make. After all, confession is good for the soul, so a healthy dose of exegesis will not hurt me, I hope.  Here it is: I can be a really irritable mother  and have on several occaisions gone on tirades so horrific, I am certain if my children could have placed me in timeout, they would have.   Most people who know me will attest that I am a “good mom”.  In most cases, I think this label is to assure me that the fact I have not put my adorably precocious, if not at times tyrannical three year old, up for adoption surely qualifies me for some mother of the year award.  These moments, I think are an important part of the process, as they are opportunities to help us correct ourselves and get onto a path of parenting where we can be most fruitful.

Let me start off by saying, I do not really like the term “good mom/bad mom” because I truly believe parenting is about being effective more  than it is about a "good" or "bad" label. One of the challenges of single-handed parenting is trying to know exactly the right thing to do at given moment. While we would never want to do anything to emotionally hurt or damage our children, the reality is when you are doing things single-handedly you do not have the liberties that other persons who have someone to co-parent or  do some of the developmental heavy lifting with them.

This became most apparent to me when my oldest daughter began to perceive my straightforward albeit somewhat militant approach to correction as despotic and hurtful.  She was so overwhelmed with hurt that I had to evaluate my parenting style and concluded that while I am not a “bad mother”, there were certainly some things I could do to be more effective for my children.   I want to share the list I've developed with you.

·         Develop a more peaceful internal dialogue:

o   Spending too much time in your own head fretting over even legitimate problems and concerns will make it difficult to respond patiently and kindly when your children test your patience.  

o   A cleaner internal dialogue will allow a more temperate external response and helps to minimize the guilt you feel as a result. This also ensures that you don’t become an “autobot mom” that can only function on a short-fuse frequency.  

·         Compromise but don’t negotiate:

o   When your child wants something, do not respond on a hair trigger. This almost always leads you to say no when a little more begging and whining can pull you into a yes.  If you immediately say no and then they barter their way to a maybe or a yes, you lose valuable ground that will cause tension later.

o    Instead, internally ask, if they whine would I give it to them and if so, how would I modify their request? This way you set up an important boundary and automatically give them all they will get with a lot less hassle.  

·         Empower your child’s voice...let them ask Why (If only once)

o   I was raised old school. I had to do what I was told and not ask why. It is a disservice to both you and your child to not allow them to ask why. We live in a world where inquisition and curiosity will play an integral role into how competitive they become.

o   When you allow them to ask why and explain in clear concrete measures, you may have to relinquish a little bit of the “I said so” control, but you will begin to see your child think more critically in other areas. It is up to us to teach them “How things work”. “Because I said so” not only stifles that inclination, but can result in one-sided thinking down the road.

My new strategy to become a more effective parent is: Develop, Ccompromise and Empower.

What is yours?