The Threshold of Trust

 The Threshold of Trust

If anyone has ever broken your trust, you know how difficult it is to hit the reset button on the relationship.  You develop this gnawing sense that if you forgive and restore the relationship, the person could hurt you again and you’d have no one but yourself to blame.  Most people would assume that the biggest issue in a relationship like this is the inability to let go of the past. I argue that this mindset also makes it impossible to let go of the future.

If you restore relationship with someone who has broken your trust you are faced with two dilemmas:

(a)    If you let go of the past, the person will see it as permission to hurt you again

(b)   If you let go of the person, you may miss out on a more promising future together 

We see this cycle played over and over gain on shows like Maury Povich, where a couple is returning for the 2^nd or 3^rd lie detector test. The shafted party dramatically expresses their suspicions, the lie detector test reveals the violating party has lied AGAIN, the wounded party runs off stage in tremendous pain and then in the update we find that the couple has decided to give it one more try to make things work.

We tend to think things like,”What is wrong with this person?” “I would have been gone a long time ago?” “There is no way I would put up that?” or “This is stupidity in its lowest form. “

This may all seem made for TV, but in reality many of us can identify with this more than we would like to admit. Honestly, it has more to do with the threshold of trust than it does with intellectual aptitude.  Even Albert Einstein had his heart-broken and he knew the mysteries of the universe, we are no less exempt.

If you find yourself caught in a vicious cycle of hurt, where every decision is convoluted by thoughts of either repeating the past or disqualifying yourself the future; it is time to redefine your Threshold of Trust.  Refocusing the lens through which you view trust will get you present in the moment and positioned to make your best decisions.

The Cylce of Broken Trust

This may be hard to believe, but operating in relationships with a misunderstanding of trust is a lot like a security blanket.  Somewhere along the way we are taught that we are exempt from the pain of betrayal or infidelity and this is comforting until the inevitable happens, someone betrays us or does something counter to what we believe they were capable of. Our response is typically one of the following:

(a)    We immediately cut the person off because the trust has been broken.  Without trust there is nothing, so any measure of reconciliation will be seen as weakness and We Can’t Have That. We make sure that we start option (b) early on in the next relationship to avoid getting hurt again.  

(b)    We believe that we can beat the statistical odds of being hurt by micromanaging their actions and time while incessantly searching for clues to avoid being blindsided by a violation again.  If we become too overbearing or “insecure”, we resort to option  (c) until the coast is clear and then get back to (b) as needed.

(c)     We believe if we become more docile and let it go, the other person will appreciate our leniency and think better than to hurt us again. If we don’t see progress we immediately convert to either (a) or (b).

Here is the hard truth: You were designed to be Hurt.  Pain is the only check and balance on the ego there is, so the bigger the ego, the more painful things will tend to be. People are hard-wired with what I refer to as the “Disappointment Gene”. Meaning, that even with our best efforts to be honest, faithful, trustworthy, transparent and loyal, we will eventually fall short and violate the trust of another person.  This doesn’t mean we idly sit by while people hurt or deceive us, but we have to be selective about the amount of energy we will expend trying to avoid the inevitability of diminished trust. Placing this much trust in a person to begin with means that you are not engaging as equal partners. You have placed them on a pedestal and like any false idol, they are destined to fall.  Hard.

The Take Away

Trust is important, but we cannot place our sole focus on the trust we place in others. Once you have made the investment to love another person being violated is a risk you’ve agreed to take. You must assume that some measure of disappointment will be a natural by-product of the connection. There may come a time when you have to let go or move on, but this transition should be done with a sound mind and resolute heart. The ability to do this means you know and understand your own trust threshold.

More than anything, our ultimate trust must not rely solely upon the actions of others.  It must rest soundly in the resilience the Creator has given each of us to resurrect from even the deepest betrayal.

Remember: The greatest betrayal to ever transpire started with a kiss.

The Perspective of Gratitude

Thanksgiving Day is fast approaching and as we enter into this season of gratitude, I have been doing an inventory of all the things and people I am truly grateful to have as a part of my life.

 As I began to delve more deeply into this gratitude exercise, I realized how easy it is to default to the things that are going well in our lives as a source of gratitude and to view the things not going so well as a source of ire. The more I think about it, the more I realize that true gratitude is not about being thankful for only those things that bring us comfort or harmony, but also developing a sense of gratitude for the areas in which we are tested, stressed and maltreated. This is important because it is those areas that truly shape the mettle of who we are as we strive to become more well-adjusted beings.  

If it is difficult to find anything to be thankful for at this time, consider the following:

·      Gratitude is not an emotion, as much as it is a strategical perspective that can be used to create a more harmonious mindset.  This harmonious mindset creates an environment in which all things both good and bad can work together for your best positioning. In all things, seek better positioning.

·      True gratitude should move us to look at every incident (good or bad) as a teachable moment in which life lessons reveal to us our truest nature.   You can do more and have more, once you operate in the truth.

·     The root of thankfulness is hope. By looking at every unfortunate situation as penance or persecution, we disqualify ourselves from benefitting from the element of hope within the situation.  Trials should refine you and make you better, not destroy you.  The absence of hope is defeat.

·      There are going to be trying times in which we are disappointed, confused, overleveraged and underappreciated. It is in those areas/valleys that we must be most thankful because we have an opportunity to develop sustainable integrity. Hard times better prepare us to appreciate the overwhelming successes that await us in our lives at the mountain top once we are thankful for the shadows in the valley.

·      Send a shockwave through the universe by expressing gratitude for things you'd rather not endure, as well.  The more we apply this discipline towards the deficits in our lives, the more apparent it becomes that these challenges are just as crucial to our success as matters that are going the way we desire.  

Think of areas in your life that could be sources of complaint or dissatisfaction and unleash the magic that happens when you begin the process of expressing gratitude for them, too. 

When Your Gifts are Buried Alive (Potential Is Not Enough)

A few months ago, I ran into the woman who gave me my first job. I had not seen her for many years and our chance meeting revealed not only how much I had grown as a person and a professional, but also uncovered something else I had not expected. In my quest to “let go” of some of the things that were holding me back, I had also let go of something the things that were instrumental in propelling me forward. I had somehow buried one of my greatest gifts: Creativity.  

 When I met this woman, those many years ago, I was a young mother on the precipice of nothingness and in serious need of a mentor as well as a job. I had taken a few wrong turns and instead of sitting idly by; she provided me with some much needed direction. The brief time she spent with me, helping to raise my consciousness and awareness about the authority I had over my life, in many ways hit the reset button on my life’s GPS system and changed its entire trajectory.

 A Cup Filled with Potential Is Still an Empty Cup

Anyone who has ever mentored someone knows how it can nearly break your heart when the mentee squanders their potential or doesn’t realize all that they are capable of becoming. You see them make a series of bad choices despite your best lectures and efforts and you eventually realize that while you can accompany them on their journey, you cannot control if they will reach their own “promised-land”. The decision for them to cross over from potential capability into the kinetic manifestation of their giftedness; is truly theirs alone.  We can also experience this with our children.

My mentor understood this balance. Shortly after she hired me for the job, she explained to me why she made the initial investment. Her explanation went like this:  

“You are a cup and even a cup filled to the brim with potential will never be more than an empty cup if something kinetic doesn’t happen to start to fill that cup up.  I have given you this opportunity as an effort to pour into that cup; it is solely up to you whether or not that cup will run over. The fact that you have potential is simply not enough.”

Needles to say, I got the message.

Burying Your Gifts

In an effort to reclaim my life and help that cup to “run over”, I became radical about changing myself and the influences I was around. I discarded generational behaviors and mindsets that were not working for me and replaced them with a strong work ethic and commitment to continual personal development.   However, without realizing it, I also began to bury my gifts.

During our brief encounter, my former boss asked me what I was doing on the professional front.  I started explaining the ins and outs of my corporate job.  Her only response was that she was surprised I wasn’t doing something “Creative”.  

“ Creativity is who you are. How do function without doing what you ARE?”

Her question, part literal, part rhetorical, perplexed me.  I began thinking to myself,

“Creative? What would lead her to believe I was doing something creative?  I am not a creative person…..”.

 It is smack-dab-in the middle of this thought that I realize she has awakened something in me. Something dormant and asleep, that I forgotten about, something I had suppressed.   I began to feel that sensation you feel when you see a familiar face and you are certain you don’t know the person until you realize that not only do you know that person very well, but that person knows your deepest secrets.  You are mystified about how you could have even forgotten them. In that moment, I was mystified about why I had lost the connection to my creativity and I realized I needed to return this element to my life, sooner rather than later.  

Unearthing Your Gifts

In an effort to bring my life back from the “precipice of nothingness” (a glorious effort that has been both arduous and painful), I had forgotten that I was a creative person, something at the very core essence of who I am.  

Since I was very young, I found refuge in creating things. Whether it was writing, painting, photography, crafting, sewing, decorating or graphic design, the creative process saved my psyche and also made me very good at the job she had hired me to do.  However, the more serious and analytical I became about being accountable for my life, the less I engaged in those things that set me free. I had abandoned those things that made me feel safe and alive.

For many years, I have felt like something was missing and it is truly inspiring to get reacquainted with my creative spirit. It is important for us to be diligent about doing what we ARE.

The Take Away

We cannot become so radical in our efforts to improve ourselves that we lose sight of what makes us unique.  We are all works in progress, but we can never lose sight of the progress that comes from the work of operating in our gifts.   Gifts that are buried alive will eventually die.

I am reawakening the gift of creativity within me and my cup has begun to run over.

Remember this: Where your gifts are, your purpose is also.

Do you have any “buried gifts”? Unearth them today.